The Most Ineligible Christian Bastard

It was a calming morning with the smell of dried leaves and plump raspberries on the vine drifting into a bedroom of safety comfortably lit by the warming early afternoon sun that gently kissed the olive green walls, they matched his eyes which sparkled with innocent delight. Laying upon his back skin exposed what little warmth of moisture that had been hidden beneath his diaper now evaporated with a pleasant wisp of mild autumnal breeze the tender touch of the woman who captured his affections gently changed him with soothing coos. Slipping into something he found peaceful and secure filled his heart with flutters of joy that created a deep trust of intimacy in these sweet moments of vulnerability. His delightful enjoyment of her attentiveness awakening a desire within his soul for something more for this intimacy to span beyond these brief moments to last without exception and be shared with none other for here he felt loved and cherished known in a way by the woman he knew and who knew him without competition and with full acceptance. The bustle of his brother across the hall would briefly interrupt these moments, but until the change was done her focus would be upon him and him alone. He was certain he could find such attention and focus with another, but as he grew older his emotions grew stronger for such a companion. His muscles that retained the same fluid that many had learned to store however did not develop with his courage and spiritual fervor. Learning to pray in words unspoken for the beauty he adored it was only a matter of time before his heart awakened to a new reality the beauty and luster of intimacy with a peer. Her delicate gold locks attracted his attention when they would play in the grass behind her house sunlight would have a way of dancing magically between each perfect strand as if they were made just for him to be dazzled by this divine glory which could hardly be captured in such a tiny heart but with her hands playing in the same sand as his own he found a new spiritual home. Placing his trust in another began a journey that was exciting but at times without explanation scary for reasons he knew not of. The pleasure of her warm body beside him in bed that night brought tingles of delight his pull-ups fit at his waist tight for he had grown up but still could not hold his strength through the night. The embarrassment of revelation to her he was a assured would render no reward, but she intuitively knew what it was he feared hiding the evidence that he believed he wore something weird but she chose to show him love that made her affections to him clear.

When he becomes me...

She reached within a drawer and pulled out a diaper then with a sparkle of joy glistening in her soft magical eyes she shared with me a secret surprise. She whispered in my ear softly but clearly it was a prize that only later I would realize was the Lord authoring for it was divinely wise. Telling me she too has moments without strength when her muscles can not hold what others can when they are this old. So she chose to divulge that this diaper she would choose to hold like so and let go but doing it secretly so that no one else would know. Such a pleasant secret did she share that in that moment a change was made of which I was yet unaware for the intimacy she showed me there was met with such tenderness and care that I knew something only to me she would make aware. So infatuation grew and possession was awakened she had given of herself and her private confession I now held safe at the age of but five years it was something I had yet to understand was on its own alive for desire grew within that led me to shame for thinking them sin for at this time awakening within was a sexual desire that gave me a grin. Pleasure I now found when diapers were around the arousal was profound but the embarrassment mixed with mystery made it ever more alluring. These desires competed for the innocent prayers that used to bring images of love and joy with freedom so involuntarily clear as I would close my eyes and see them there the images the spirit would reveal that made my heart feel love was more then real but now objects in place of beauty began to compete for that imaginative space. What was once a hope for my prospective wife became a battle with idols of vice. Fear of rejection and punishment meant to no one could I divulge such shameful urges so deep within my depth these profound visions of desire would hide beneath the bookcase in my room a secret cubby with a secret suitcase with a secret compartment beneath I would keep diapers I had stollen from my sisters doll box. They were too small to wear but I could take them out and reflect upon the fond memories of sharing that intimacy with delicacy in the lacy sheets that smelled pleasantly of her sweet shampooed hair. It was these desires that I knew never to share these desires that compete with innocent care that grew until days beyond today I chose to indulge and began to let my soul bare. She was resting eyes closed head titled back gently, hair softly draping into the water that was pooled around her in the tub of her parents bedroom. We had the afternoon alone with no one home having met just weeks before at a party for those in the "kink" community I had met this "little" named Trisha at the age of nineteen her beauty with eyes that were so wide they forced from me an instant smile. My heart palpated with furious passion that I could not comprehend a moment this wild to find a precious girl that fulfilled the dreams from when I was a child. We sat and colored on the floor with the whips and chains around the room that gave reality to the fantasies every shade of grey here in the corner sat adults dressed as children that wondered how to satisfy the desires that filled them. As the tub began to flood I reached for the knob she splashes me gently and playfully laughs now I give her a gentle bath. "Was this the place that God had for me on this path or was I doing something deserving his wrath?" Looking into her eyes I realize there is no fear of punishment here both our hearts are innocent and clear. She sheds her self of robes and with dignity she is clothed to offer her this time of peace meant an opportunity to achieve a sense of relief in this time of reprieve however brief for our desires are shared. Internal wishing for an innocent child like love to share as in diapers we both could wear and of every care we became unaware. In the intimacy she shed her vanity and let go to show that I too was privileged to know that what she had to relieve herself of was the wetting of a diaper that I removed for one that was dryer my affections were hers without need of them to acquire. Our interests and tension grew higher and higher for a shared arousal around this simplest of desire gave us a tingle with a magnifying affect. In this place we could choose to connect shedding fearful distrust for our secret we no longer had to protect instead we could elect to let these emotions and desires have there full affect entering into visions and fantasies of delight brought into rooms of darkness the fulfillment of true light. The moments that we shared showed that for one another we cared for in our fetishized desires we shared intimacy rather than lustfully wishing another orgasm to acquire in isolation with the liar. Ushered back to seminary with this summer blossom fading swiftly the call to return to a spiritual world that was defined in words not verbs for here actions spoken only in language half digested meant the desires I had fulfilled might get me blacklisted. I had to consider the consequences of actions that pierced so deep to indulge in practices that satisfied the desires I had so long denied. "Had I done this in selfish pride and in delusion bought by my own lie?" The truth I would not realize until I shed fear of losing that prize that hopa home that was for my wife and I alone that Christ fought for and atoned. Reminded of that autumn morn when my body was just taking form that something at the time I had considered the norm might actually have been a lie. Her finger reaching into me within the depths only a lover should know the bundle of nerves that are hidden within began sending with each stroke a sensation that was so pleasant I grinned. I noticed her toying with me there though the purpose seemed unclear her motives of which I was unaware but I enjoyed her touching me with ucerine at the opening and A&D on the finger the wandering felt smooth and pleasant but afterwards I sensed resentment. For moments that were brief for sure I would have contractions filled with glee the sensations would rush abundantly and Jesus face in that place I would see. Imagining his member inside me meant that what I was feeling was good so I was free to breathe with joy abundantly for this was his blessing to me. Is this the title we give abuse that lacking consent is sexual misuse? That moments like these when parents are obtuse serve for children's minds to confuse? The messages are prolific and profuse the distain says this is quite profane! That handling a child like this is summarily sexual abuse. In a context seemingly benign with experiences such as these feeling fine meant that only with maturity and time would the pleasantness begin to unwind. It’s unclear if the fear came immediately there or if only after awhile it drew near perhaps at first it felt just fine but without holding suckling afterward it felt far worse until it seemed perverse. So arousal is a fickle thing that gives me a secret tickle I wish for her to stroke me slowly and slide into me with her finger there and wiggle with gentle care. Looking upon the city skyline from a bed that was built for a king, upon her breast I was suckling for plenty of time at the age of twenty nine. She called herself a mother to me as I suckled at her breast from years of angst and sexual unrest I gave it my very best. Squeezing tightly to her nipples my lips locked around to her skin they did conform. She stroked my head and then moved down to give it tender care. The secret desires that I was afraid to share she decorously was aware so she gave me time and tender care that aroused me for she was kind. The freedom from this shameful sin took months for me then to shed for even there of Christ’s own care I knew that I was aware. The spirit wished for me to share every sensation and pulsing memory of that moment for it is clear that Christ’ presence was fully there. Thus these words I innocently share and divest with honesty that truth be spoken of interests indulged when arousal produces the battle of flesh within me. He zipped his bag up to his chest which seemed manly with strength so strong he had started his teens the year before I so in his maturity he had great pride. Chris was one for confidence but hidden beneath that gaze lied interests that ran deep within toward something we had been raised to know as sin. He asked if I would touch him there just to be made aware he said no need to be scared it is something we secretly shared. So reluctantly reaching for his member with palms that had grown sweaty I was engaging in an experience for which my heart said I was not ready. The rhythm of my touching a choice to make seem steady but involuntary shuddering made my gestures seem like stuttering. My heart was swiftly agitating as my hand away was gravitating for to enjoy such a thing my spirit seemed annoyed for I wished not to touch a boy. The king has given me another tune to sing my eros was hoping for a woman's blessing. So in this moment I felt I was not choosing but of my desires confusing. His offer to respond in kind I gently was refusing so I zipped my bag up to my chest and did my best to rest. His mouth was large with lips so full many years had passed but my affections in that time had not annulled my sexual interests for women grew no less cold but in confidence I had grown bold. He smelled of cigarettes this time and whiskey stung my nose with every breath as kissing began with clothes divested. In this place we did our best not to wear our Christian cares in here we were safe a place that gave each moment a special pace. He kissed me ever lower asking me with gentle care with every step he dared not give me a scare. His interests did not complement my own but a curiosity began to stir how could I truly be aware if I did not atlas once dare. So in that moment did I tacitly choose to give up my conservative views. Allowing him with his mouth to use my member as a source of joy this memory from when I was a boy could not service nor serve to annoy here I was indulging in flesh but not bashful nor at rest. For somewhere in between was revealing within me an interest that did not satisfy. His pleasant gesture brought little arousal and even less delight. He surfaced from below and intuitively began to know that this would not end as it began for I could no longer grow. Compassion with my heart I wished to show as later on the street we sat for hours and talked awhile that what he desired was more then something sex could meet. We spoke of patterns in life that repeat yet cease to see defeat. Yet what I wondered and wished to share I chose in that moment to express through care. "Was he aware that he is infinitely loved from a father that rests above?" So we wrestled into the early morning siting in the cold the winter rush of blistering wind carried away the shame that said we had sinned it was not about guilt that was a house satan had built but a quilt of compassion that was our abundant and gracious ration. Far more then we could imagine or realize, invent or request in prayer he lavished us with fulfilled wishes we never even cast. When tears were shed and embraces made full his wounds I hadn't even touched or consoled, but I began to understand that love is bold and endures even the bitter cold. We sat for awhile and faced this trial with exacting and painful truth. The desires he shared I was now intimately aware and could prayerfully with him care. The contact, by my own fear when ravished later by the shame that I could not explain but only name as pain, was terminated to swiftly and this I can not defend. The love the Lord had given me to extend was a blessing that did not offend. I opened my heart to a lover that cared and through intimacy we had honestly shared. Distrust had formed and from him like Trisha I ran back to a distant shore for as they grow so close to my heart a shredding begins to filet me apart. The distrust that runs so deep in me from vanity that denies redemption of goodness to answer the pain of loss I would not shed and name as dross. Instead upon my heart I chose to emboss a single name without question it was Ashley .

He returns to me...

She was not the crush of adolescence but an equally beguiling companion of feminine form he would catch enjoying a kiss or two, upon review he knew there intimacy was true but enjoyed it for his own interesting view thus his mind took time from this intrigue to renew. No, she was not the interest of later years, but the girl from his youth that he loved before he had a single adult tooth she was etched upon his hopa roof. So run he did from pleasure so deep that his body wished to repeat no matter how unique the retreat he still sought to bring her face to his cheek and gently in her ear to speak you are my prize upon the mountain peak. So idolize her he did and for decades in this abstract realm he lived every woman to him was tempting to make an object as he imagined them to be stripped of certain facets of humanity that would later make him grieve. In this sin he believed he could in pleasurable moments his sexual appetite feed, but these would never relieve such hunger instead the beast it did feed. So years from then his desires still breed, but wanting for the breast and diaper that consoled when hands of innocent lovers did enfold making a heart filled with warmth so bold. He struggles still to this day to live in the scriptural way for drugs he does consume each day and booze is piled high. He lives these days in privacy most honestly but outwardly he hates to portrays a lie for his hand has been on a woman’s breast as suckling as a child and on a woman thigh as diapered without pride. He has tasted of the sweetest vices and indulged his greatest desires but what ceases to be within his grasp is loving those he admires he is tempted instead to simply acquire another spiritual tale as for Trisha and Chris he prays and other lovers too that someday Christ all their hearts would renew, but he wishes for a better a view a perspective that is holistically true. He may hubrisly regale others of a tail or two when cuddling with his fellow peer she offered him a proposition not queer but certainly unexpected from a Christian dear. He may treat these experiences crass and lewd with irreverent gestures for the cacophony of laughter lewd that swiftly ensued devoid of decorum befitting rapport these moments refreshed at times his view and with grief she knows her to be confused so many daughters of light he has met who have been abused. He is guilty more than was true of other men who of their offers may have misused but he still chose not to refuse when given opportunity for relief. The comfort comes but morning makes it brief when his heart recoils and holds on for the "one" choosing to shun the affections that declare now they feel as one for the marriage preparation has begun and wounds of separation now burning in the lungs as yet another hope is turned and wrung to be cleansed of its attachment a technique so sterile and cruelly affective that love seems to be elective. A heart so cold it’s pathological for a hand to hold can make him fear being consoled for knowing he's at the mercy of affections untold. The misuse of his own heart is the abuse that he spreads to all the others for the affection that was learned at mothers breast was that once finished she is no longer impressed so from her chest you will now divest. So wanting for a bride bares to him no pride for he has not waited of this he is assured but the lines of intimacy by his path have been blurred indoctrinated in a world that taught him the virtues of those who lived with resolve that is great steels him with confidence for he has allowed instead his heart to be closed by moments that were his destined fate. Sitting in the wonder of these tender liaisons deserve consideration for his hearts tacit response until then he patiently prays for understanding that will explain the fear of pain that grew to make him feel lame. Resting not from the strain he chose to remain absolved from every clause of guilt that would seek to condemn knowing that many an encounter had strains of sin that offend but his saviors face continues to commend for even in that moment as an adult child suckling at the woman’s supple breast brought him a sweet slumber unto rest that seeing him in those arms as a vision of Christ at his best. It was not this boy that what was held but the savior of Nazareth that she beheld though this vision to her may be unknown within his heart he felt chosen to see himself there sacrificing this vision that haunted him for being queer by finding satiation of God’s provision he was made most aware.

You too...

So if in haste your sexual inclinations have led you to despair cast upon him your most desperate cares and find him in those moments a Christ who in your indulgence shares. He drinks of the gall and swallows it all even from members of men who’s conscience has grown small. Your king is interceding by manifesting in the pains that sin is breeding if you wish his glory to be achieving then first his comforting you must begin receiving. Remember he met this man who learned his first encounters with sex in sin, the brokenness befallen him by a hurting mother that would keep her affection hidden as if in a locked cupboard. That led him into dens of desire through group lessons on eroticism that he sought to acquire when indulging in acts of pleasure in settings that were communal in homes and centers that reflected Greece for here he indulged in feasts of "love". Maddens by names of flowers who shared their sexual powers, arousal in the massage that sent palpitations of pleasure that felt like a mere mirage of things to come until elation was undone. Bound and tied by strong men of gentle pride and bruised and beaten by vixens who sweetly loved to cherish his story that of his shame he be publicly defamed were shed written upon his chest were blessings for which Christ bled. For in that place of mystery hands tied above his head a cross on its side that in place of pride humbly took the pains of scorn that reminded him to be freed from the guilt of porn. She covered his head that he be not seen for self but principally known for his spiritual wealth she carved with crimson lipstick those words that would crush and shame for he his story to her had fully divulged and painfully explained. He hung upon that cross as if like Christ himself was slain he humbly stood in the crowd humble but not proud she clutched her fists and beat upon him till pain in his chest grew sour the concussive force of her power was still compassionate and kind he could not explain the pleasure of pain that devoured that hubris coward for satan’s pride ran running as Jesus was forthcoming. She showered him with blows that crumpled in his chest but push it out as best he could with each interceding breath. Pray for her he did, not simply because he should, but because he could and sensed that it was good. She wiped from him those crimson marks of sins forgotten past in that that place began to trace a different kind of path. She etched upon his flesh with marker indelible the truth of character that was this man his true insightful power. She spoke upon him blessings of love that built him up from the truth that reigns from above that his kindness was sublime and his intuitions divine. She affirmed him with these permanent words that he could not see her write to shed the cloak that blocked his eyes until in a mirror did he finally then realize with surprise. She had restored to him that long lost prize the truth of hopa in tact. That with each painful blow and the resonance of her fists impact the spirit has ushered freedom there shedding the sins of old but left a pact the righteousness of blessings yet untold. So as he walked through the crowd who viewed some look perplexed and confused he was only reassured when he began to read each word. "kind and generous, sensitive and true, patient and spiritual…" by these words was his spirit renewed. The mother of Christ had come to him and by Christ’s own words imbued that truth in a place he thought was lewd and while the things she wiped away were rude she left him with the truth of how he was truly viewed. Respect in place we least expect can absolve us from the greatest regret for affirmed by words he hadn't shared meant she through the spirits own power had cared. He protects his saints now bound in restraints and explains the pains in time so to you my child he is kind and so you to in darkness will find. The light that is perpetual truth that you are forever beneath his roof he has followed you with desperate strain to enter into your pain with time he will redeem the hurt and strain with unfolding story to explain that every time you had need to complain his presence was the same. He endured your suffering and consumed it full now know yourself to be whole.

You are Brian...

Fear not now Brian that fateful lie that says a touch will get you burned now shed those lies that say in your home you are alone be reminded of the ghost that roams. She feeds you while you sleep and fills your spirit full she illumines your house and blesses that knob so don’t give satan the opportunity to rob. Here insights will not leave your view but make your vision renewed allow her to review the righteousness that Christ alone imbued. Be not in your singleness confused for some of us have certainly been misused our pattern of guilt as it turns out has led us through a deserted drought but the rains will come and the harvest is full and then we are consoled. He mends our hearts and makes us whole creating a passion most bold. This boy may not have done what he was told and wandered into the "scene" by men who tied him up in view or women  who danced with him nude it’s true his eyes have seen and his flesh has felt but that has not stained an inch of his pelt. In place of fleshy innocence his soul has been saved at Christ’s expense he looks not at his past wondering of recompense but grateful for Christ’s own strength. He carried him through each trial he faced even when in prayer through each broken place his mind did often race for in the mirror each morning the spirit teaches and he is learning to see himself beloved known through tragedy having been carried into harmony he can safely rest his head remembering for whom Christ has bled washing from his memory every crimson stain of red.

Brian is me...

Even memories of learning a woman's contracture as a fellow peer guided my hand he kissed me on the cheek so brief then slid my hand in the entry beneath to the place I first achieved my own profound sensation I too brought her this pleasurable elation uncertain if this was to be rewarded with elation or scornful in celebration. This process in prayer and thoughtful care took seasons to discern but what was learned as scenes in my memory burned so Jesus too was with me concerned. Being given language to explain these things I find in myself to be relieved that the spirit has through my hand achieved blessings that of physical angst relieved though satan sat and watched to thieve what was taken he gives abundantly to those who expectantly receive so many thoughts and feelings to grieve with many others that make me even deeper believe that grace in each space restores a place and makes it once again feel safe so no longer pleasure in ignorance do I wish to chase but to continue looking upon his face as towards his will I obediently run the race in patient endurance and without haste.